Spiritual Awakening The Beginning!!

Spiritual awakenings always seem to start at the beginning of a crisis and my crisis was when the person I loved, the person I thought was my soul mate decided to leave me with his son for someone else at a critical time in my life. It felt like my whole world had fell apart and at the time it was compounded with the fact that one of my closest cousins (who I saw as a brother really) had died suddenly and dramatically (killed by the police). Due to his death, I was going through a mild depression (although I did not realise that at the time), I couldn't think straight, I didn't want to go to work, I didn't even feel like getting washed in the morning, it was like I was in a bubble, just going through the motions but not having any drive or motivation to do anything (although I was still doing.....I had to, I had no choice).

It was a difficult time because I had a beautiful boy to take care of and a partner that did not really help around the house, didn't really take time out to do quality things with his son, the burden was all on me and I took it all on. To be honest I didn't know any better, I was raised by a very strong woman that did everything in the house, she decorated, she cooked, cleaned, maintained the garden, managed DIY in regards to house maintenance, worked a part time job, took care and raised four children; whilst my dad went to work and then waited on my mom to cater to him for all his needs and sometimes taking out his anger on her when he had too much drink (but that's another story for another time). Therefore I thought that was what I was meant to do and I did it, wearing myself out in the process, so in hindsight it doesn't surprise me that I suffered with mild depression.

It was a difficult time because I had a beautiful boy to take care of and a partner that did not really help around the house, didn't really take time out to do quality things with his son, the burden was all on me and I took it all on. To be honest I didn't know any better, I was raised by a very strong woman that did everything in the house, she decorated, she cooked, cleaned, maintained the garden, managed DIY in regards to house maintenance, worked a part time job, took care and raised four children; whilst my dad went to work and then waited on my mom to cater to him for all his needs and sometimes taking out his anger on her when he had too much drink (but that's another story for another time). Therefore I thought that was what I was meant to do and I did it, wearing myself out in the process, so in hindsight it doesn't surprise me that I suffered with mild drepression.

Anyhow I discovered that he was up to no good when I heard a conversation between himself and young lady from his place of work. You know when looking back at things you recognise that the signs were there but you choose to ignore them, like when your partner starts behaving differently; going out late at night when they normally don't and getting back late; hearing them whisper on a phone call........my main sign was when he mentioned out of the blue that he had to go for a drive to clear his head at around 9pm. He'd had shower and set off.......I thought it odd but dismissed it because I wasn't myself due to the death of my cousin and we had cancelled our wedding that we were meant to have two months later in Malta, the holiday was booked and everything, family and friends had booked there holiday to attend the wedding also, so there was a lot going on to say the least, so I just thought that was the reason for this clearing of his head. Anyhow he came back at stupid o'clock......something like 1:00am or 2:00am in the morning, he never came straight to bed but went into the bath (2nd sign of oddness), that did set alarm bells ringing but chose not to make a big thing out of it, I definitely commented on the fact that I noticed it and it was odd but never pursued it.

Next sign was when he told me he was going out with a friend and returned home until 3:00am - 4:00am, I did not let this one go. I asked him where he was he told me that he had gone to a strippers bar because his friend wanted to go. Something was odd to me and it just didn't sit right. I was never the jealous and throughout our 11 years he could go wherever he wanted to go, we always communicated if we were going to be late back to prevent unnecessary worry but on this occasion he failed to contact me and I could not get through to him, un-be known to him I had already contacted the friend he said he was out with about one hour before he arrived home and he friend told me that he was not with him and not seen him. Well I did go crazy, as I am not keen on lies this dented the trust I had in him and made me see him in a different light, although I did not give up on the relationship how could I we had a child together, we were going on holiday in a few months and to be honest I needed someone there whilst I processing the death of my cousin.

The afternoon of the dreaded call that changed my life forever. My son was 3 years old at the time and I remember the day clearly. I woke up feeling a bit more uplifted that I normally had and I was telling my partner that I felt like I would be going back to work the following week. He was getting ready for work at the time and all was pleasant between us, we always gave each other a kiss when leaving the house. I had had a playful day with my son and we had a late wash possibly around 3:00pm in the afternoon (trying to get organised before my partner got back, as he finished around 3:15pm and we had martial arts later that day). I called his mobile to remind him to pick some things up from the shop, I was in the bath at the time.........the phone rang out for a while then it picked up.........I'm saying hello and going to my conversation about picking up items, I realise that he is not answering me or listening to me, so I stop talking and start listening intently, I'm thinking what's going on because his talking but not to me......I hear female voice in the background say 'I've given everything to you when am I going to get something back,' I hear him respond 'I know, lets see how things go after the holiday,' at this point I'm sickened to my stomach, I start to tremble all over my body. My thoughts are to get to his place of work as quickly as possible so I can get to see who he is talking to but then I realise I'm in the bath and even if I get myself ready quickly I have not means of getting to his work place, as I have no vehicle and ordering a taxi would take too long. Then I hear him say 'everything will work out just be patient,' after that it's a blurr. I am disbelief of what I am hearing and I working it out in my head how I am going to deal with this man when he gets home. I know I need to be calm because of our son. So my plan was that I would get him to take our son to my moms. I had already informed my mom of what I heard and that I would possibly need her to take care or the little man for the night. Prior to him coming home my thoughts are all over the place and it was taking a lot of energy to stay calm, I was shaking internally with anger and fear.

He arrived home a little later than usual, as he came through the door and up the stairs to our living room (we lived in a 3 storey townhouse), I asked him how he day was, he seemed chipper and said it was good. I advised him of the plans that we needed to leave straight away to drop off our son my moms, as she wanted to go out and take our son with her. On our way back home I didn't say much because all that was going on my head was how could he, is this a dream? How am I going to confront this? When we pulled up on the drive I told him that we needed to talk and I needed to ask him something. I went straight up to the bedroom and he followed and placed himself on the bed. I explained the scenario that I had tried to call him but over heard him speaking to someone else and everything that I heard. I asked him who she was, he never gave me her name and said that there was nothing going just that she had a thing for him, that she was from a place called Bromford and that she had found his place of work and went there to talk to him. So I questioned the notion that he had told her to wait until after our holiday, he advised that he was just stringing her along. I asked him for his phone so I could check the numbers and past texts to see if he had been texting this girl. At this point he got very nervous as I walked towards him to get the phone he leapt off the bed and headed towards the window, somehow I managed to leap over and grapple with him for the phone (imagine a 5ft shortee and a 6ft basketball player) tussling with each other over a phone (smh), anyhow I managed to get the phone, I went through the contacts and I saw this name that I didn't know. I asked him about her he said that she was just work colleague but you know when something just doesn't sit well and us women we have a sixth sense, I knew in my heart that this name I came across in his phone was the person he was speaking to. Then I got flash backs of the all other signs that I had before, the going out for a drive to clear his head, the lie about being with a friend when he wasn't. This was the end!!! I questioned him for hours and smoked almost a pack of 20 cigarettes (I normally only ever smoked around 3 a day at the time). Then here comes the ultimate banger he then asks me if I want him to leave the house, it was like he wanted to leave, like he couldn't bare to be in the house now that I had found out. Cut a long story short he left to stay with his mom and I ended up being a single parent, with a mortgage, student at college (to try to get into University to do a degree in Psychology) and working a part time job as a cashier at a supermarket.

The rest I will tell in my next blog.....take care and stay blessed! Contact me if you would like reading, either through the website using the contact me page or on Facebook. x